Everything that's in my head

Chapter 6

The atmosphere in Adam's room was febrile as the final preparations for his coronation gathered apace. He sat on the end of the bed, while Dougal lay out the garments, the new king would wear that evening. He whistled quietly under his breath while Adam contemplated his new and disgusting form.



'She can't see me like this',

He said, mournfully, bursting a ripe boil 'twixt finger and thumb. He sidled over to the bathroom and washed away the ensuing rivulet of pus in the marble basin.

'She will wake up thinking she's in hell, the shock will kill her.'

'It will all come right,’ Dougal said reassuringly.

He laid out a golden jacket with pearl buttons on the bed and next to them placed a matching pair of trousers. He fussed over the sleeves a little before returning to the wardrobe and fetching a waistcoat that appeared to have sequins of different sizes sewn into the fabric. Adam emerged from the bathroom and peered at the garment carefully.

‘Diamonds’, said Dougal, too busy with arranging things on the bed to look at him.

‘Diamonds and rubies, see what you’re missing?'

‘Be that as it may Dougal, but not for all the tea in China would I be Earnest longer than I have to, I want to be Adam and I want to change’.

A tired sun began to dip below the horizon and both men stood silently next to each other at the shattered window, waiting for night to fall.

Dougal turned to Adam with damp, bloodshot eyes. He reached for his handkerchief and rubbed the tears away, all the while blowing his nose with much trumpeting and sniffling.

He threw his arms around Adam and hugged him with the strength of two men, causing Adam to gasp for air.
‘Tonight, stay close to me. Look neither left nor right but straight ahead. Tonight you must be Earnest one more time but if they suspect……………………………….’.
His voice trailed off and he went quiet.
'If they suspect what?’ asked Adam, with his last reserves of breath.

‘They will tear you to pieces if they suspect you are not the one, along with the other unfortunate and we will have to start all over again.’

Both men hugged for what might be the last time.

Adam was soon dressed in his new regalia and was pacing the room while Dougal gave him a few pointers as to what was expected of him. Adam fiddled with a sceptre with one hand while trying out different kinds of walks; seeking a gait that would give him the bearing of a king and disguise his humble origins.

He tried sauntering, followed by a nonchalant amble and then a camp mince. Dougal looked on a little perplexed until Adam told him what he was doing.

'How's this?', he asked. making the return journey from the door, goose stepping and
looking fairly Prussian.

'You need to sachet, sort of slink yet be regal at the same time',
said Dougal, folding a shirt.
'Tricky' replied Adam, adopting a slow, languid smooch.
He looked at Dougal and stopped altogether. Them old man sat on the bed and looked serious.

‘What ever you do don't……………………..’. The words never came, as a sinister knock at the door pinned them to his tongue.

‘Don’t what?’ Adam asked, ‘you can’t……………………………’, but he then also saw who had appeared and by the look on Dougal’s face, he instinctively kept quiet.

Not waiting to be asked in, a little man swiftly entered, making quick steps and came to a halt in the middle of the room. His small beady eyes roamed over the two men through thick round glasses and he spoke with a thin, reedy voice.

‘Dougal, what a pleasure’.

Dougal came almost to attention, as his whole bearing stiffened; the blood ran from his cheeks and a vein throbbed in his temple.

‘Howard, the pleasure is all mine’’.

Howard proffered a hand that was as white as it was feminine and the two insects shook hands, with neither taking their eyes off the other.
Howard finally looked at Adam and the two swung round to face him. The little man bowed a very deep bow
‘Hello’, Adam said weakly and stood looking awkwardly at Howard with a smile that was thin altogether unconvincing.

Howard took off his spectacles and peered at Adam as though he were a piece of expensive art and whistled between his teeth.

‘My god Dougal, you have done a fantastic job on this one; in the right light one could be forgiven for thinking this was the one true lord’.

‘One does one’s best’, Dougal replied artfully, and he too bowed a little with his head.

The diminutive creature sucked the stem of his glasses and moved around Adam as a shark circles its prey. Adam stared straight ahead; fixed to the spot with fear as Howard disappeared behind him.

‘Tell me Dougal, is he truly .....................'.

A frightful pause filled the room and it was all Adam could do not to piss himself.

'The one?'

Dougal, staring straight at the back of Howard's head, said nothing.

Years before, during a debate Adam was chairing entitled, 'Why Hitler was Weird’, Dougal had said something that Adam, at the time, didn't think was relevant. He had remarked, in answer to an aggressive question that, 'But we can't lie', and Adam just carried on not really understanding or caring. Now, however, he understood what Dougal had been on about and it alarmed him.
Dougal couldn't lie as Howard couldn't lie as none of them could lie. They could only give you evasion but not an actual bare faced porker. The whole species had never seen the need to, so as a consequence the ability to 'be economic with the truth' , had never evolved. Adam remembered all this in a fraction of a second and cursed his luck that this was the time he finally understood.

Dougal wore his drowned fish look and the silence hung in the air like a wet rag.

Their antagonist replaced his glasses and turned to look at an anxious Dougal who was by now furiously cleaning his glasses.

He scuttled a few steps and put his face inappropriately close to Dougal's.

'Is this the man our Lord and master, Earnest Serius, who did stare into a mirror and compare it to man? Is he the one the man that saved the world only to walk upon its barren plains having destroyed it? Will he give us what we desire?'

He turned on his heel and squealed at Adam.

'Does he have wrath!?'

Adam knew from here on in, he was on his own.

‘I am the one true lord; there is nothing to separate us, we are as one. In my life before this, I killed myself. I killed myself because I hated my own skin. I didn’t what to inhabit this rotten carcass any more. So I got into a bath and I slashed my wrists. I died through loss of blood. Some people call it the Roman way, as it is seen as honourable but let me assure you Howard, there was nothing honourable about it at all It was dirty, cowardly and a frightful way to die. So, now that you have dragged me back to the same Earth that I tried so desperately to escape from, it is your duty, your solemn duty to fulfil the desires and aspirations of your people and restore the king to his rightful throne and march shoulder to shoulder with him towards a common destiny. I am indeed Earnest Serius. On your knees.’

Nobody in the room apart from Adam heard the words on your knees, so there was an awkward pause as no one, least of all Howard, knew what to say or do next.
Both Dougal and Howard both stared incredulously at Adam, who by now had his arms folded and was looking as imperious as he could.
Adam cleared his throat and pointed to the floor and then to his knees.

Dougal, with eyes the size of side plates dutifully dropped down and it was only Howard who remained standing.
‘Earnest Serius, our Lord who came out of the desert and led us to our salvation, we worship you, oh lord’. Dougal gushed, with his head bent, looking at the floor.

Adam thought he was in danger of over-doing it a bit and arousing Howard’s suspicions, so he placed a finger to his lips and looked at the old man.
Dougal fell silent, leaving Howard to stammer and stutter awkwardly.

The little man quivered with rage and bit his lip, before swinging on his heels and marching for the door. Dougal followed, taking Howard by the arm and the two insects left the room in total silence.

Dougal returned presently and the two laughed until their bellies ached and their throats were sore.

A purple faced Dougal emerged from Adam’s bedroom half and hour later, a smile playing on his lips and coughing a wheezy cough. It was going to be a long night and he had to prepare.